One thing that is lacking from my blog, is my testimony. So here I go.
Despite that I was an atheist for many years. I did have Christian family members, so I was exposed to Christianity at a young age. My mom was somewhat Christian, at least at the time she believed she was. My aunt as far back as I can remember has always been very much a Christian.
So every now and then I would be dragged off to church sometime Sunday school, which I just hated. I didn’t understand it, because no one really explained it to me. Sure, people told me about some man named Jesus, and how the world was flooded (Yes, a creationist view). But I really didn’t comprehend it. It was boring and I felt that it was taken away from my time I could be watching my favorite Sunday cartoons. Depending on my age it was either He-man or ThunderCats. But I just hated it church.
Eventually they stopped their attempts at getting me to to go to church. I don’t think it’s because of any argument I made. I think it may have more to do with my mom, who probably just did not want to go anymore herself back then.
So as the years passed I became a teenager, I eventually became an atheist. Although it was not because somebody told me about atheism, it was just because I stopped believing. I didn’t see a reason to believe, and frankly I looked at God more like I look at Santa clause. Just some made up story. Eventually I learned about the word atheist, and took it on as my title that best describe me and my lack of belief in God. I am not sure exactly where I learned about the word atheist, perhaps it was one of my friends back then. I did have two atheist friends who are still my friends today (One remains an atheist the other is not a Christian). But I did learn about the word at some point.
Whenever religion came up (almost always brought up by a Christian) and I told them that I was an atheist, it eventually, lead to all hell breaking loose. They would sit there and tell me what a horrible person I was (a sinner), and that I’m going to hell. And I would sit there and try my best to explain that I don’t believe what they do. But nothing I said would help them understand this and they kept arguing it as if I didn’t believe it what I said. This left me frustrated and angry… Angry at that those Christians as individuals, and Christianity as a group.
They would spend hours arguing with me making me angrier at them. Many if not most would sit there and try and quote scriptures from the Bible to me. And I would sit there and try and explain to them that I don’t believe in God or the bible. So it was useless to sit there and tell me this stuff. But they continue doing it. Being completely unaware that their actions were not drawing me into the fold. They were not planting good seeds that could later on sprout. They instead were driving a wedge between me and God, through their own actions. Because at that time, I truly lack of belief in God.
It wasn’t because I wanted to sin or hated God. I just didn’t believe the same way. I didn’t believe in Santa. So these arguments that they were presenting didn’t apply to me.
So over time they eventually transformed me from just a simple atheist that just wanted to be left alone, into what can be best described as a militant atheist. And I would end up taking any potshot at any religious person that I could. However, I would particularly get great joy when it came to taking shots at Christians and Christianity. Because they turned me into a person who hated Christianity and Christians.
So for many years I was a militant atheist of sorts. I was not one of those well-educated atheist that are really good destroying Christians in their arguments. I was the kind that most Christians seek out to have back and forth with (easy pickings if you will). Someone who was not very well versed in the Bible or the standard debates used at the time by Christians against atheist (I had no clue about logical fallacies back then). But I was a militant atheist nonetheless.
That changed, however, one particular day. A day that I find to be ironic, as on that day I was wearing a T-shirt that said, “if Jesus came back. We would kill him again.”
On that day, I almost died on my motorcycle. When my motorcycle and a semi truck collided (another irony as I was also a truck driver, my two greatest enjoyments was driving my motorcycle and my semi). I should have died but I survived with almost no injuries.
I still was not thinking about God at this time. It wasn’t until after I had gone home and removed my T-shirt and read what it said that I started to believe in the possibility of God. I don’t know why but it was as if some kind of seed was planted inside me that was telling me that God was real, and that I need to allow the seed to grow to accept him.
However, I was not about to let that happen. I was trying to convince myself that the feeling that God was possibly real was me, just making myself feel that way. And I wasn’t about to tell anybody about this. I was so full pride that I didn’t want to end up saying that I feel like maybe I was wrong and there was possibly a God. And also, by doing so now I’m stuck in a position of confirming an argument that theist make. Which was that I actually did believe there was a God. And I was just trying to deny God. Because, now that was the case (Although previously that wasn’t the case). But admitting it would’ve put me in a weaker position if I were ever to be confronted by a Christian or any theist. Because now they’ll just say oh you really felt at in the past, you’re just ignoring it or something like that. Which would be untrue, but it’s hard to argue against people were telling you what you feel and think. When now that their old argument holds some truth at least with me after the accident.
So for a long time after this, I struggled against this feeling I was having of there being possibly being a God. This was a struggle where I would end up going back and forth. My view changing constantly. Was there God? “No”. Was there God? “Yes”. Was there God? “Maybe”.
I struggled with this for a while. Eventually I decided if there’s a God, I need to know if there is some kind of evidence for this God. So I went online and did a Google search for “proof of God” (Not knowing science does not deal in proof). And that’s when I came across a website mirroring or parroting some of Kent Hovind’s young Earth creationist arguments for there being a God.
When I read them they seem to be logical, and they made sense to me. However, I was completely unaware of the flaws in the arguments being presented as well as just the absolute dishonesty of the arguments. These arguments preyed on my ignorance of science. And it was easy for them to do so as those who were teaching me about evolution and cosmology were not really educated themselves on the subjects. They were just teaching some strange version of what they understood about these things to us. Making it really easy for people like Kent Hovind to prey on my ignorance.
However, because I was unaware of just how bad these things were. I fell for these really bad and dishonest arguments presented by Young Earth’s Creationist. When I was presented with a the logical fallacy of God Of The Gaps, I would sit there and think well there is evidence of God.
Being completely unaware of it being a logical fallacy, as well as in many cases just dishonest. As many of these unexplained things have been explained by science. In some cases 200 years before I was born. And like many others young Earth creationist, I never bothered to check and see if the claims being presented by the Young Earth Creationist were true and accurate. Instead, I just believe what I was being told.
So now I was a Young Earth Creationist, and I was out to try and convert others using the so-called creation science. So I started up a YouTube channel and started talking about Young Earth Creationism. And I would be presenting these arguments that I thought no one could possibly show me to be wrong about. And I would find myself confronted by people who would present me with counter argument. And I would find them calling me an idiot, stupid, ignorant, etc… Little did I know just how true this was. But I was angry. I want to be right I needed to be right. Because, now I plastered my face on the Internet, and proclaimed something to be true, as well as presenting myself as somebody knowledgeable about what I was talking about in my videos.
I also needed to be right because, now I believed in God and wanted to continue believing in God. If it wasn’t true then I have no evidence of God. I had no reason to believe in God. And this gave me the reason I needed to believe that there was a God. So I set myself up for proxy faith because of this. I didn’t really believe in God. I believe in creation science.
Constantly I was being bombarded by facts when I present my Young Earth Creationist arguments. I would parrot Kent Hovind and articles found on the website Answers in Genesis. Each time somebody would present a counter argument to the one I was making I did not go to some really science site or read peer reviewed articles on science to learn. I instead went to a Young Earth Creationist website in the hopes of finding a counter argument to what they presented. I was more into trying to win the argument that I was in actually trying to find out the facts/truth. And when I couldn’t win the argument, when this person presented information that I could not counter I then began to use censorship as my argument. I quickly learned to use YouTubes blocking option, as well as the option that allowed us to review comments before they were posted. After all, if I didn’t let them host the counter argument or I deleted it. Then there was no counter argument to what I was presenting (which is something I see in abundance from the Young Earth Creationist community today).
Eventually there were two users on YouTube that presented videos with counter arguments (one presented the scientific counterarguments. The other, the theological, biblical counter arguments). One of them was the YouTube user Desertphile. Who utterly destroyed my arguments and humiliated me for my ignorance. And I don’t know why but I decided to look up these things that he was claiming, these supposedly facts. And I started looking at what science actually had to say on these scientific topics. And that is when I realized I was wrong, and I was wrong because I was lied to by those propagating the young Earth creationists view. And because of my ignorance about such topics as evolution, abiogenesis, cosmology and geology. Not to mention I was being intellectually dishonest with myself by only doing research on the side that’s tell me what I wanted to hear.
I took this hard my faith was in shambles. What gave me an excuse to believe in. I found out was nothing more than a lie. I learned that I put my faith in man (creation science), and found out they lied to me, just to get me to believe what they did.
So I was left in the position where I had a choice to make. Was I to renounce my faith perhaps becoming an even more militant anti-Christian? Or, I could try and find my faith, real faith this time. Not faith in man. But faith in God.
So now I started reading the Bible for myself. Because when I was a Young Earth Creationist . I only read bits and pieces of the Bible (although I would claim I have read the Bible), I never really read it or studied it. Instead, I let people tell me what the Bible said. And what it meant when it was saying something. So now I was on a quest to find my faith in God or abandon it altogether. After studying the Bible. I finally found my faith and understood what faith really was and why it was so important. That I don’t need some scientific evidence for God. The evidence I need for God was God.
No longer was my faith proxy faith. Now it had become and remains true faith in God. So when I die and I am standing in front of God. I can truly say I believe in him.